The Bidet Battle: How to Convert Your Family to the Clean Side

The bidet, a magical device that has graced the toilets of Europe and Asia for decades, offering a revolution in hygiene. Meanwhile, back in the U.S., it’s viewed with the same enthusiasm as a tax audit. Why? Because Americans are stubborn, particularly when it comes to their behinds. They’re clinging to the old ways, the familiar ways, the toilet paper ways. Well, let’s face it: if you want to conquer the world of bathroom innovation, you’ll have to overcome some serious resistance. But don’t worry, we’ve got the ultimate guide on how to navigate this bidet rebellion and finally win over your family members.

Step 1: Begin with the Basics: “What Is a Bidet, Anyway?”

First things first: you need to know that, to the average American, a bidet is a glorified water fountain for your butt. People look at bidets the way they look at a toothbrush that vibrates, confused, suspicious, and ready to call in an exorcist. So, your first job is to inform them. Enlighten them. Gently explain that a bidet is not some alien technology but rather a time-saving, water-saving, and life-changing device that will revolutionize their bathroom experience. They’ll think you’re crazy at first, but trust me, persistence is key.

Here’s the thing: when you say “bidet,” their minds probably go straight to images of awkwardly squirting water into places that should remain private. This is the part where you have to step in with your best calm, patient “let me educate you” face. Show them that modern bidets are sophisticated, sleek, ergonomic, and fully adjustable. You’ll need to sell the idea first, and the technology second.

Step 2: The Hygiene Argument (Because Who Doesn’t Love Being Clean?)

Bidets aren’t just some fancy European indulgence; they’re a hygiene revolution. You’ve spent years cleaning yourself with that humble roll of toilet paper, but now you’ve realized you’ve been living a lie. Toilet paper is like using a napkin to clean up a spilled drink. Sure, it gets the job done, but it’s far from efficient, and let’s face it, a bit gross. You wouldn’t use a single tissue to wipe your face after eating a burrito, so why use it down there?

Here’s where you really start to win the bidet argument: the hygiene factor. A Fanny bidet isn’t just about feeling fresh; it’s about getting clean. It’s like washing your hands after you use the bathroom instead of just wiping them on your jeans. Sure, it might seem excessive at first, but when you explain to your family that it’s the equivalent of a full-body shower for your rear end, they’ll at least be intrigued. That’s half the battle.

Step 3: The Environmental Argument (Because Saving the Earth Is Cool, Right?)

Now, let’s hit them where it hurts: their eco-conscious hearts. Americans use over 37 billion rolls of toilet paper every year. That's 15 million trees cut down just for your butt. And, let’s be real, that’s a lot of waste. You could be the hero in this situation, save a tree, save a forest, save the world. If your family members care about the environment (and they should), just mention how using a bidet reduces toilet paper usage by 75%. Let them know that you’ll be cutting down on paper waste, and really, how can they say no to being a part of that?

If they still won’t bite, suggest you start a GoFundMe for a tree-planting charity, because you did just save an entire forest with one single bathroom upgrade. You’re not just saving trees, though; you’re saving water, too. Did you know it takes 37 gallons of water to produce just one roll of toilet paper? With a bidet, you’re saving that precious H2O, like some sort of bathroom superhero. Green is the new black, people.

Step 4: The Comfort Factor (No One Wants a Cold, Scratchy Rear End)

Once you've made your eco-pitch and they’re still skeptical, it’s time to appeal to their sense of comfort. The whole “bidets are gross” argument is mostly a product of fear and the unknown. But what if you could offer them the ultimate comfort experience? Bidets come with features that even the most diehard TP user will struggle to resist. Heated seats, adjustable water pressure, even air dryers! The only thing missing is a complimentary massage.

Think about it: would you prefer a cold, scratchy toilet paper experience or the soothing spray of warm water in the privacy of your own bathroom? The choice should be obvious. And once you get your family members to test it once, they’ll never go back to the harsh texture of toilet paper. Fanny bidets are not only hygienic, they’re downright indulgent. Who wouldn’t want a spa-like experience every time they visit the bathroom?

Step 5: The Wallet Argument (Because Who Doesn’t Love Saving Money?)

Now, let’s talk dollars and cents. This is where you really seal the deal. While you’ll have to make an initial investment in a Fanny bidet attachment (which ranges anywhere from $75 to $120, depending on the model), the savings you’ll rack up over time will make that price seem like pocket change. No more buying toilet paper every month, no more panic trips to the store when you run out. It’s a one-time investment that will pay for itself within a few months.

Plus, when you calculate the money saved from using less toilet paper (and the reduced need for plumbing services because you won’t be clogging pipes with paper), your family will start to see the financial benefits. Of course, they’ll pretend to resist for a while, "But how do I justify spending $100 on a bidet when my paper costs $10?" but then, when they see the savings pile up, it’ll make perfect sense.

Step 6: The “One-Time Trial” Offer (Because Who Can Resist Free Stuff?)

At this point, you’ve armed yourself with logic, comfort, and eco-arguments. But if they’re still hesitating, it’s time for the ultimate move: The One-Time Trial Offer. Tell them you have your Fanny bidet installed in your bathroom and that they’re required to give it a fair try. This is where you get to be sneaky: no one can resist free things, especially if you offer them the chance to test it out without any commitment.

This is where their curiosity will kick in. Sure, they’ll resist, but once they sit down and experience that perfect spray of warm water, they’ll be hooked. You’ll catch them using it in secret, pretending they’re just “testing it out” for five more minutes. And before long, you’ll have a family of bidet converts, praising you for your bathroom innovation.

Step 7: The Final Triumph

After all this effort, your family will either embrace the bidet or continue clinging to their scratchy, single-use toilet paper. But if they do come around, you’ll have achieved something monumental. You’ll have become the hero of the house, the one who revolutionized bathroom habits, saved the planet, and made everyone feel a little more comfortable on the daily.

And when your family member tries to explain their newfound love for Fanny bidets to friends, you can just sit back and enjoy the sweet satisfaction of knowing that you made it happen. You’ve ushered them into the future, one clean tush at a time. You’re welcome.